Totally Sex
by donki-shouben
Summary: A Totally Spies sex parody! Someone’s invading people’s bodies through their back door! In the B story, the new boy rejects our sexy spies for their archrival! Comedy, action, characterization AND sex! A Totally Spies for adults!
1. Meet the sexy spies!

_Totally Spies_ features 3 good-looking teenage girls (Sam, Alex & Clover) who run all over the world battling wacked-out villains, they get their missions from a middle-aged man who regularly abducts them from school or the mall, the parents are never around, plus one girl is boycrazy and on the prowl for a different guy each week. If this series isn't ripe for sexual satire, I don't know what is!

A sex parody is simply a sexual version of the original, chiefly done for laughs. But while mainly a comedic vehicle, it can stand on its own storywise and be just as valid as the original.

In keeping with sex parody tradition, I give the characters silly names, but we know who they are.

Our cast:

Spurnmantha (often shortened to Spurnm, or Spurnmy - sounds like Sperm) - the brainy one, Spurnmantha tends to overthink things. While she enjoys 'normal sex' just fine, Spurnmantha can't help wondering about all the other ways she could be satisfied.

Alicks - while pretty, athletic and perfectly capable in her own right, Alicks sees herself as not measuring up to her two friends, the beautiful Cumalover and the sharp as a tack Spurnmantha. Thus, suffering from low self-esteem, Alicks tends to 'bend over backwards' (and frontwards) to gain acceptance. This has led Alicks to try just about anything once (twice, thrice, etc.). Repeatedly.

Cumalover (pronounced 'Cum all over') - the passionate princess, Cumalover will go down on any guy that turns her on (and it doesn't take much to do that), although the passion doesn't last long. Rarely goes beyond the first date.

Mandingo - Cumalover's arch-nemesis and, some would argue, the reason Cum's such a boy-crazy slut. Cumalover has to try harder to beat the vapid vamp Mandingo. Several theories abound, but no one really knows why they're so competitive.

Gerry (nickname for his real name, 'Geritol') - the leader of W.O.O.H.P.I.E., this British blue blood suffers from a perennial case of blue balls, as the girls have shown absolutely no interest in having sex with him.

W.O.O.H.P.I.E. - the World Organization Of Human Potential & International Entertainment, it protects all forms of sexual congress. Or safeguards our sexy way of life from Congress. Something like that. It's long been rumored that members of the Supreme Court have been among W.O.O.H.P.I.E.'s directors since its inception, but that has never been confirmed.

Totally Sex

A _Totally Spies_ sex parody

by Shawn Evans

Totally Spies copyright Marathon Animation

Theme Song:

On a Mission under the covers and we're out of control  
Here we go, here we go-o-o-o!  
Totally Sexy Spies now, get on with the show,  
Here we go, Here we go, Here we go.

---1:47 AM Oceanside nightclub, Miami Beach---

_As the music's beating and people dancing, a couple steals away to a private room. They fall into bed, kissing, groping, exploring each other's flesh. As the moonlight shines into their room, half-illuminating their naked bodies, the man mounts the woman from behind. _

_Morning. The woman wakes up, groggy, wondering what happened the night before. She feels a twinge in her nether regions, then catches the reflection of the rear of her naked body in the full-length dressing room mirror. There's something stuck in her asshole._

_"AHHHHHHH!" she screams._

---3:08 PM Beverly Hills High---

"So then I went to the all-night kegger with the frat guys - don't worry, I didn't drink any alcohol! That just ruins your performance, anyway - then to the midnight swim with the swim team - not that we got in any swimming, tee hee! - then..." blurted out the raven-haired Alicks to her two best friends.

"Wow, Alicks, you sure are pretty busy!" said Alicks' red-headed friend, Spurnmantha.

"Hey, Alicks, see you at the record release after party party for our band tonight?" asked Greg, while passing by.

"Sure, Greg!" chirped Alicks.

"And popular!" chimed in Alicks' blonde friend, Cumalover.

"Well, I'm not as beautiful as you two!" said Alicks, matter of factly.

"You really think I'm beautiful?" inquired Spurnmantha.

"Sure you are, Sprurnmy! Why do you ask?" replied a quizzical Alicks.

"Oh, no reason! Go on!" said Spurnmantha, anxious to change the subject.

"So, anyway, I'm not as good-looking as you two, so I have to try harder!" said Alicks.

"That's ridiculous, Alicks!" said Spurnmantha.

"What she said! Really, Alicks, you're just as pretty as me and Spurnmy!" agreed Cumalover.

"Aw, it's nice of you guys to say that, but I know the real score! So I just use this..." said Alicks, as she bends over and thrusts her rear end towards her friends. "...and the guys come running! They don't even care care what I look like then!"

"Something tells me you're not the one who tries hard after that!" commented Cumalover.

"Hee hee! You're bad! Hey, how about your love lives? Spurnmy?' asked Alicks.

"Yeah! What's up with you and Peter?" asked Cumalover.

"Oh, uh, we kind of...grew apart. That's all!" responded a blushing Spurnmantha.

"Oh, that's too bad! He had such a huge, well, you know, personality...anyway, how's it with you, Cumalover? Who is it this week?" inquired Alicks, dryly.

"What's that supposed to mean?", said Cumalover, huffily.

"Well, you know, the way you go through guys, I just thought..." replied a sheepish Alicks.

"I'll have you know I'm up to date FOUR with Roger, and all I've given him is a handjob!" said Cumalover, crossing her arms. "And that's only after he begged me! So there!"

"All due respect, Cum, that doesn't sound like you!" said Spurnmantha.

"Yeah! You usually jump on guys you like right away!" agreed Alicks.

"Those other times had extenuating circumstances!" exclaimed Cumalover.

"Aaron?"

"He helped me with my homework!"

"Adam?"

"He had a hot new car!"

"Adrian?"

"Totally hot foreign exchange student!"

"Andrew?"

"He wrote that totally cool story on me for the school paper!"

"Angel?"

"He fixed my car!"

"Antonio?"

"He made the most delicious pasta!"

"Austin?"

"He looked extremely yummy in those basketball shorts!"

"Cumalover, the game was still going on!"

"So? A girl has needs, Spurnmy!"

"Do you see where I'm going with this, Cum? And I'm not even out of the A's yet!" Spurnmantha pointed out.

"It's almost like something else was going on. But what?" offered Alicks.

"Hey, girl-osers!" interrupted Mandingo.

"Man-din-go!" snorted Cumalover, smoke coming out of her ears.

"How are you and my cousin Roger, Cumalover?" said Mandingo, cattily. "Miserable, I hope, because that's all he could be with you!"

"Roger is Mandingo's cousin?" queried Alicks.

"That explains a lot!" answered Spurnmantha. "Since he's Mandingo's cousin, Cumalover doesn't have to compete with Mandingo for him!"

"Why are you here, Mandingo? Slumming means hanging around with your usual crew, not trying to drag cool people down to your level!" said Cumalover dismissively.

"Oh, ha ha, Cumalover! Or should I say, 'move on over', as in 'move on over and let the big dog eat'!", replied Mandingo.

"Hmmm. You just compared yourself to a dog. Interesting." commented Cumalover.

"Grrr! Yeah, well, I just met the hot new transfer student from up north, and he agreed to go out with me!" bragged Mandingo. "What do you think of that?"

"Wha-what? No way!" yelled Cumalover.

"Bye bye, Cum! Come on, Tristan, let's vacate the area. It's definitely gotten low-class around here!" said Mandingo, as she takes Tristan by the arm and walks away with him.

"Wait, Tristan!" called out Cumalover as she runs after Tristan and intercepts him. "You can't go out with that, that, _Mandingo!_ Go out with me! I can definitely make it worth your while, if you know what I mean!" hinted Cumalover, as she ran her fingers along Tristan's inseam and smiled a big, toothy grin.

"Sorry, Cumalover, but you're just not my type!" replied Tristan.

"And, and Mandingo is?" said a shocked Cumalover.

"Well. Yeah." answered Tristan. "Mandingo's got special skills. Took on the whole gymnastics team once! Man, must be quite a stretcher, huh? Bye, Cumalover! Nice meeting you."

"Noooo! Spurnmy, Alicks, what's Mandingo got that I haven't got?" whined Cumalover.

"You mean besides Tristan?" asked Alicks innocently. "Or the gymnastics team?"

"It's not fair! The gymnastics championship, like, totally clashed with my study session with Mr. Horowitz!" yelped Cumalover.

"The math teacher?" asked Alicks. "I always wondered how you passed that class!"

"What is with you and Mandingo, anyway, Cumalover?" inquired Spurnmantha. "You're always competing with her!"

"Yeah! Get a room already!" interjected Alicks.

"Hmmm. That'd be interesting." said Spurnmantha, fantasizing about Cumalover and Mandingo lying on a bed, doing each other.

"Er, I mean, it's an interesting dynamic there, the thing with you and Mandingo, that is! Heh!" said Spurnmantha, covering her tracks.

"Oh, we've always been competitive, ever since this one summer camp, when...", said Cumalover, as the locker opens up in front of her and sucks her, Spurnmantha and Alicks in.

"...Ahhhhhhhhh!", they all scream.

As they fly down the tunnel, robot hands grope their bodies and probe all of their holes.

"Ahhhhhh! Ohhhhhh! Yeahhhhhh! "

The three girls shoot out of the tunnel and onto a large bed. Their clothes are disheveled and they're out of breath.

"Whew! That trip always takes a lot of me!" said Spurnmantha.

"You said it!" agreed Alicks.

"Yeah, but definitely in a good way!" said a smiling Cumalover.

"Well, yeah, there is that!" said a happy Alicks.

"Um hmmm!" said a cheery Spurnmantha.

"Hello, ladies! How are my super-sexy spies today?" asked their spy boss, Gerry. Gerry was the head of W.O.O.H.P.I.E., the World Organization Of Human Potential and International Entertainment. He wore his usual work wear - leather fetishwear with plenty of straps and buckles and a thong.

"Ah, my special spies and their special talents! Alicks' amazing ass!..." said Gerry, as he bends Alicks over, exposes her pert, round ass, and spanks it.

"Oh, Gerry!" giggled Alicks.

"...Spurnmantha's perfectly palatable pussy!..." continued Gerry, as he spreads Spurnmantha and fingers her female hole.

"Gerry! You're too much!" admitted a smiling Spurnmantha.

"...and Cumalover's magnificent mouth and luscious lips!" concluded Gerry, as he demonstrates just how wide Cumalover's mouth can open while pressing her head close to his crotch.

"Gerry, you're so silly!" blurted Cumalover. "But you didn't summon us here to fondle us! What's going on?"

"But why not? Sighhhh. You're right!" said a deflated Gerry. "As you know, W.O.O.H.P.I.E. is dedicated to ensuring everyone can reach their human potential and..."

"Through sex, right?" interrupted Cumalover.

"That is one way, yes. But W.O.O.H.P.I.E. is far more than that!" said a serious Gerry.

"But it's still mostly sex, right, Ger?" inquired Alicks.

"Sure it is!" pointed out Spurnmantha. "Why else would we be here?"

"Yes, yes, it's about sex!" said a defeated Gerry. "Our sexy way of life is being threatened yet again, and only you spies can resolve it. Something is going on in Miami Beach. People have woken up after one night stands with a plug in their butt!"

"No offense, Ger, but that doesn't sound too serious!" said Cumalover.

"Ditto!" chimed Alicks.

"Wait, girls! There has to be more to it. Right, Gerry?" interjected the brainy Spurnmantha.

"Indeed there is, Spurnmantha! The plugs could only be destroyed by lasers, and we recorded strange readings before they were removed. But after they were out, the strange readings stopped. The plugs were doing something to the victims' bodies. Altering it in some way. But with the buttplugs disintegrated, there's no way of knowing how. Not only that, but there are several reports of odd behavior in the Miami area. We think this is a widespread problem. The few cases we've managed to uncover were due to some combination of drugs or alcohol ingested by the victim that inhibited the operation of the plug." explained Gerry.

"See? I told you alcohol ruins performance!" crowed the health conscious Alicks.

"Except here, that's a good thing!" Spurnmantha pointed out.

"Oh. Yeah." admitted Alicks.

"So you want us to go undercover in Miami Beach? No problem! Let's go shopping for new clubwear!" enthused Cumalover.

"Not so fast, Cumalover! Due to the special needs of this mission, only Alicks and Spurnmantha will be going undercover in the nightclubs and sexclubs of Miami Beach that the victims visited before their, um, unfortunate buttpluggings. You will be going undercover in this!" said Gerry, as he handed Cumalover a uniform.

"A maid outfit? I have to be a maid? No fair!" yelped Cumalover.

"Look on the bright side, Cumalover. You'll still be entering the back door. It'll just be the back door of the club, and not, you know, _your_ back door!" laughed Spurnmantha.

"Very funny, Spurnmy! Just one question, Ger: I understand how Alicks is qualified for this, but Spurnmantha?" inquired a ticked-off Cumalover. "No offense, Spurnmy!"

"Oh, none taken, Cum! I do have...extensive experience with traveling the ol' dirt road. The Hershey Highway. The chocolate speedway. The dip in the fudge pot. The..." mused Spurnmantha as she remembered how many dildos she's stuck up her bunghole and gets turned on.

"Yes, yes, we get it Spurnmantha!" conceded Gerry. "Any more questions, Cumalover?"

"Now that you mention it...why do we always get those probes whenever we travel here?" asked Cumalover. "Not that I'm complaining, mind you! Just curious!".

"Can't be too careful these days, what with all of those diseases around - especially with you girls!" replied Gerry.

"Or maybe you just like to do it!" offerred Cumalover.

"Yes, I suppose there's that, also." admitted Gerry. "Now for your gadgets. S.E.X.T.O.Y.?" said Gerry as he motioned to the robot rolling towards them.

"I am not a sextoy! I'm a Series Epsilon Xenobiological Tool Offering Yadayadayada!" said the robotic voice.

"But you give out sextoys!" pointed out Alicks.

"Yes. Sigh. Whatever. For Spurnmantha - the I.U.D. I.E.D. - Intra-Uterine Device Improvised Explosive Device." chirped the robot.

"What every girl needs for protection!" said Spurnmantha.

"Wow, Spurnmy, I always knew your pussy was pretty explosive!" said Cumalover, giggling.

"You don't even know the half of it!" said a coy Spurnmantha.

"Huh?" said a confused Cumalover.

"For Cumalover," continued S.E.X.T.O.Y. , "rainbow lipstick for for a variety of uses - red for making things hot, lavender for cold, green for speeding up, black for knockout. Just make sure you put the protective clear lip gloss on first."

"Where'd you get that idea? 'Rainbow parties'? Everyone knows those aren't real!" laughed Alicks.

"Oh, I wouldn't say that." said a blushing Cumalover.

"Really?" said a stunned Alicks.

"And for Alicks", concluded S.E.X.T.O.Y., "the Ass-tounding Hyper Driver. It increases the effectiveness of anything from your ass. Makes noisy flatulence a sonic blast, makes explosive flatulence a shockwave, makes odiferous flatulence a stink bomb, and can even increase the stength of your anal sphincter to be able to bend steel. If you're into that sort of thing."

"Wow, Alicks! You can do things with your sphincter?" asked a surprised Spurnmantha.

"That's because I have perfect control! Want to see me make it wink?" answered Alicks, as she proceeds to bend over.

"Maybe some other time, ladies! You have a case to solve! Good day!" barked out Gerry, as he moves his finger toward the button that will send the sexy spies on thier mission.

"Wait, Ger!" cried Spurnmantha. "I've got one last question: What's the 'International Entertainment' in W.O.O.H.P.I.E. mean?"

"Oh. That." answered Gerry dryly. "The probes do more than check you for diseases and give you a good time. They also install recording devices for our DVD and web sales division. How do you think we're funded?" And with that, Gerry presses a button and the super sexy spies fall through another long, dark, wet tunnel.

"Ahhhhhhhhh!" they all yelled.

_Next:_

_Spurnm & Alicks put it all on the line!_

_Cumalover finds out just how disgusting things can get!_

_The villainous ButtMunch!_

_A surprise guest star!_

_And more!_

Notes

Mandingo is the title of a movie known for the affair between a black slave and the white wife of the slave owner. It's almost a synonym for 'jungle fever', and is used for it's sexual connotation only. I'm not saying Mandy is black, or racist in any way.

xeno means strange or foreign. So a 'xenobiological tool' means a tool foreign to the body, or sextoy.

A rainbow party is a party where girls wearing different colored lipstick all have oral sex with one or more guys, leaving the guys with a "rainbow" colored penis. Publicized by an author who appeared on Oprah, but some people believe it's just an urban legend.

If anyone wonders about my characterization of Alex (lack of self esteem causing to her do anything to be accepted), consider these tidbits from the Totally Spies Top-Secret Handbook, pages 10 & 11 (Meet Alex): best known for her naivete, will do anything for her friends, fell for a computer-generated guy, unprepared for driving, and thought she wouldn't be cool if she didn't have a tattoo. Not to mention the episode where Alex quit because she thought Britney replaced her.


	2. The spies put their backsides into it

Totally Sex

A _Totally Spies_ sex parody

by Shawn Evans

Totally Spies copyright Marathon Animation

---4:39 PM Miami Beach---

A missile crashes into Miami's beachfront. The cone of the missile opens, disgorging Spurnmantha, Alicks and Cumalover into the sand.

"Ack!" yelled Cumalover, spitting out a mouthful of grains. "When's Gerry going to get us some _real_ transport? Those quarters are waaay too close for comfort!"

"Really!" agreed Alicks, brushing herself off.

"Oh. I don't know. It wasn't that bad." admitted a smiling Spurnmantha.

"Yeah? Then check your nerve endings, Spurnmy!" said Cumalover, wiping the sand off of her. "They must be misfiring!"

"Um. No. They're OK." replied Spurnmantha.

"Whatever! Might as well get on with our mission! Although you guys have the fun part!" pouted Cumalover.

"It's too early for the nightclub. We'll have to start with the sex club one of the victims visited." said Spurnmantha to Alicks.

"Way ahead of you, S!" said Alicks as she puts on her whorishly skimpy, tight gold mini skirt and matching micro baby T that barely restrains her massive mammaries. If Alicks walked the streets in this outfit, all she'd be missing is the price list. "And don't worry, Cum, we promise not to have too much fun!"

"Yeah! This is so like work, and not fun. Believe me!" said Spurnmantha, as she opts for the classier outfit - a long green gown that's cut all the way to _here_ (her pubic bone) in the front and backless all the way to her ass crack. "Besides, how bad can your undercover assignment as a maid at the nightclub be?"

"I guess you're right, Spurnmy." said Cumalover as she dresses as a maid. "You guys enjoy yourselves. See you later!"

---5:16 PM The private VIP rooms of the Oceanside nightclub---

"Ewww! How does all this ick come out of people's bodies? Wouldn't they be dead if they lost this much fluids?" bitched Cumalover as she scrubbed the floor.

"And when you're done here, you have to clean the restrooms!" ordered the manager.

"Yikes! What'd you do here last night, the MNBA All-Star game?" complained Cumalover. "How bad can it be, huh, Spurnmy? Sheesh! At least _you're_ having fun!"

---5:36 PM A mansion overlooking Biscayne Bay---

"How's it going, Spurnmy?" asked Alicks, as she talked with her friend between liaisions and downed a sparkling spring water.

"Okay so far, although no one's gone for my butthole yet!" answered Spurnmantha, nursing a juice drink. "I've got to tell you, though, Alicks, none of these guys _or gals_ seem the take-over-the-world type. They're actually pretty pathetic! And I thought money could buy beauty, or at least plastic surgery, but it's like they don't even care how they look!"

"Guess that's what money really buys - who gives a rat's ass - but don't worry! The action picks up after work hours. That's when the real pervs show up!" commented Alicks. "Er, at least, that's what I hear!" said Alicks, blushing. "Just make your moneymaker available," said Alicks, shaking her rear in Spurnmantha's face, "and see what happens!"

"Okay, Alicks! Will do!" said an upbeat Spurnmantha. "Got to go. That older couple has been giving me the eye."

"Good luck!"

---6:28 PM Oceanside nightclub---

"Whoa, whoa, Maricela, um, alto! My Spanish isn't that good! Now, what were you saying about weird happenings at the club?" asked Cumalover, posing as a maid, to the other cleaning worker on her shift.

"These _putas_, always exposing themselves to the men!" spat out Maricela, with contempt.

"Uh, yeah, that's just terrible!" agreed Cumalover. "Gross! A used condom!"

"Do you know they try to to get pregnant to entrap the rich men?" commented Maricela.

"Really?" said Cumalover, pocketing the used condom. "That's, that's shameful!"

---6:30 PM Outside the Oceanside nightclub---

Two security guards throw Cumalover out onto the street.

"...And stay out!" the guards yell at Cumalover, spawled in the gutter.

"Hey!" protested Cumalover. "I'll have you know that condom was evidence in an important investigation!"

As Cumalover picks herself up, she reaches for her phone. "Nothing to do but call it in and join the others...Oh no! My cuntpowder's broken! Now what do I..."

"Excuse me, miss. Need some help?" asked the handsome stranger.

"Oh WOW! Do I?" said Cumalover, her eyes bulging with hearts. "I'm sure whatever it is, you can help me, hotstuff!" gasped Cumalover.

"Is there somewhere I can take you? My bus is over there" he said, pointing to the late model vehicle.

"A bus?" said a confused Cumalover. Then she focuses on who's sitting in the bus. "Full of hot guys?" _Dreams do come true_, she thinks.

"We're on our way to the center. Need a lift?" he asks politely.

"Anywhere you go is fine by me!" answers Cumalover. _Besides_, she thinks, _they've got to have a phone at this center place. And if I can have some fun on the way, all the better!_

---6:44 PM The sex club mansion overlooking Biscayne Bay---

"Well, that was...interesting" observed Spurnmantha, drinking a decaf soy latte.

"You think you get the weirdos?" offered Alicks, gulping an energy drink. "The guy I was with said I reminded him of one of his students! He must have been crazy!"

"Why?" asked Spurnmantha. "Because he compared you to one of his students?"

"No!" replied Alicks "Because his students were right there and I didn't look a thing like any of them!"

"Ah." said Spurnmy. "You got me beat, then."

"Why? What happened to you?" inquired Alicks.

"You remember that older couple I told you about? replied Spurnmantha.

"Oh yeah!" exclaimed Alicks. "What deviant sexual acts did they make you perform?"

"Plenty, Alicks." answered Spurnmantha. "But that wasn't the weird part. I expected that. No, the bizarre bit came afterwards, when they pulled out their wallet and started showing me photos of their grandkids!"

"Spurnmy! No!" yelped Alicks. "You, you didn't have any actual human interaction with them, did you?"

"I, I tried not to, but..." confessed Spurnmantha. "Then they talked about taking the grandkids to the amusement park and..."

"Tell me you did not agree to go with them!" demanded Alicks.

"I didn't! But it was so hard! I..." continued Spurnmantha. "I had to give them something, so I gave them a phone number."

"No!" gasped the horrified Alicks, her fists covering her lower jaw.

"It wasn't my number!" said Spurnmantha, in an attempt to lessen her mistake. "It...it was Cumalover's."

"Spurnmy, no!" cried Alicks.

"Sorry, but I didn't have time to think up a fake number!" admitted Spurnmantha. "That's also what I told them my name was. I figured, since Cum wasn't here...oh no! There they are!"

"Huh?" said Alicks.

"Just wave!" ordered Spurnmantha. "Hi Bob! Hi Carol!"

"Hi!" offered Alicks, meekly. "But what if Cumalover finds out?" asks Alicks, turning to Spurnmantha.

"She won't! Please, Alicks, promise you won't tell?" begged Spurnmantha.

"Well. Alright." agreed Alicks. "We'll keep this between me and you."

"Great!" replied a relived Spurnmantha. "That leaves only one question - how do we accomplish our mission? At our present rate, we'll never find out who's behind this buttplug scheme!"

"Hmmm..." thought Alicks, out loud. "We'll have to have sex with the greatest number of people possible in the shortest amount of time..."

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Alicks?" asked the quick-witted Spurnmantha.

"Orgy Room!" they both yell.

"Speaking of orgies...You know, Spurnmy..." wondered Alicks. "...shouldn't Cumalover have called in by now?"

"I'm sure she would have called us if she had anything to report, Alicks." said a confident Spurnmantha.

"You think so?" worried Alicks.

"Of course!" replied Spurnmantha. "She just doesn't want to tell us how bored she is!"

---6:55 PM Aboard The Center's bus---

_I can't believe this!_ thought Cumalover. _These guys don't believe in recreational, premarital sex! They have to 'preserve their precious bodily fluids'! Hello! Preserve them for what? This has been the worst day ever!_ whined Cumalover, as she sat on the bus surrounded by a dozen hunks, none of whom wanted her.

"We're here!" announced the driver. "Everybody off!"

_Everybody off? I wish!_ Cumalover thought to herself. _At least here I can get a phone!_

"Velcome, velcome, boys." said the Center's director. "How vas your trip? Did you get another subject for..? Ach du leiber! Cumalover?"

"ButtMunch?" said a shocked Cumalover. "I should have known you were behind this!"

"Nein, nein!" corrected the Doctor. "Iz Dr. Butten Munchen, ja?"

"Don't know, don't care, Dr. BM!" said a defiant Cumalover. "You're not getting away with this!"

"It iz you who are not 'getting away', Miss who-squirts-cum-all-over-der-place!"

"What?" replied a befuddled Cumalover.

"Your name. I vas merely..." replied ButtMunch

"Whatever!" replied an angry Cumalover as she assumed a fighting stance. "Do you seriously think your happy boys can stop me?"

"Them?" replied Buttmunch. "Maybe. Maybe nein. But their precursor? Ja!" Dr. Butten Munchem then snaps his fingers, and a man appears in the doorway. "After all, he can stop anyvone!"

"OmiGod!" screams Cumalover. "It's...it's..."

The man stands revealed. It's the popular movie star

"...Jim Druse! Ohhhh!" and with that, Cumalover faints.

---7:16 PM The Orgy room of the sex club mansion overlooking Biscayne Bay---

Alicks, in a Taiwanese basket, is surrounded by men who pass her from one swinger to the next.

"Wow!" admired one orgygoer to Alicks as he fucked the sh!# out of her backdoor. "You're so loose! You could fit an army up here!"

"And have!" admitted a proud Alicks. "There was this one time when...oh, wait, I'm not supposed to talk about that stuff!"

"Huh?" replied the befuddled buttfucker.

_Do do doo do do doot_

"Hold on! I have to get that!" said Alicks matter of factly. "It's my cuntpowder!"

"Your what?" said the exasperated anal reamer as Alicks leaves. "Hey, wait!"

Meanwhile, across the room, Spurnmantha is having issues of her own when the call comes.

"Good Lord, you're tighter than a busload of boys at summer camp!" said the ass fanatic as he pounds away at Spurnmy's formerly virgin-for-dicks-that-are-not-toys anal wonderland.

"Gee, thanks!" offered Spurnmantha, slightly puzzled at the reference. "I think."

_Do do doo do do doot_

"Uh oh! Got to go! Sorry!" said a sheepish Spurnmantha.

"Wha? But I can't..." replied the stunned sexaholic.

"Spurnmy!" called out Alicks to her friend. "It's Gerry! He says...uh, shouldn't you get rid of your friend there?" asked Alicks, as she points to the guy behind Spurnmantha who's still fucking her.

"I..." said the man, who probably never thought he'd have to say the following words. Ever. "...I'm stuck!"

As Alicks desperately tries to pull the man back, away from Spurnmantha, she pleads "You've got to relax it, Spurnmy! You're too tense!"

"I'm trying!" cried Spurnmantha.

Just then the man releases with a pop and falls backwards onto Alicks.

Moments later, at the bar.

"Coca Cola...Blak!" they both order in unison.

"You too, huh, Alicks?" inquired Spurnmantha.

"Been that kind of night!" replied Alicks, as she chugged the bizarro beverage.

"So what'd Gerry have to say?" asked a concerned Spurnmantha.

"He said Cumalover didn't call in, and we have to go check it out!" answered Alicks.

"Oh no!" said a worried Spurnmantha. "I hope Cum's okay!"

"Nah, Spurnmy! Don't worry!" reassured Alicks. "It's Cumalover! What can hurt her?"

"You mean besides cute guys?" offered Spurnmantha.

"Oh. Yeah." said Alicks, worry creeping into her voice and face.

_Next:_

_Cumalover's Cuntundrum!_

_(and it's so bad it doesn't even involve that body part!)_

_ButtMunch's plan revealed!_

_More action!_

_More jokes!_

_(But if you think I'm going to explain any of the Jim Druse jokes, forget it! _

_I ain't getting sued!)_

_Now here's an extra scene that happens right at the end of the current chapter and features Marathon's other cartoon characters. It's not a part of the main story, but does set up a joke in the final chapter. _

As both Spurnmantha and Alicks run out of the mansion in their totally hot sex club garb, they pass a quartet of adventurers.

"Wow! Look at those two! This must be the place, all right!" said the spiky-haired boy with a broad smile on his face. "Come on, we're going in!"

"We are not, Martin!" replied the angry girl. "I know what this place is!"

"B-but Diana!" pleaded the boy. "Sensors say there are alien creatures here! No offense, Billy!"

"None taken, Martin!" replied the hovering space alien.

"Nice try, Martin!" snapped the perky teenage girl. "But the only alien objects here are those inserted into various parts of the body!"

"Aw! You never let me have any fun!" moaned Martin. "This is what I get I get for having adventures with my sister!"

"Bye bye Martin. Diana." growled the caveman. "Me going in. All in."

"Huh? But?" questioned Martin. "Why does he get to go in?"

"Because he's not my brother!" replied Diana. "Java's a grown man and can make his own choices!"

"I guess that's my cue!" squeaked the alien. "Bye, Martin! Bye, Diana! Er, have fun! However much you can, anyway!"

"What? Aw, no fair!" cried the boy. "Thanks a lot, Diana!"

"Oh, don't be such a baby, Martin!" consoled Diana. "Besides, I know someone who can get us into one of the hottest nightclubs in Miami!"

"Really?" said a surprised Martin. "Diana, I could kiss you!" With that, Martin spreads his arms around Diana.

"Martin! Please!" pleaded his sister. "Cut it out!"

"Aw, Di, you know I'm just kidding!" joked Martin. "Or am I? You know, we really don't look all that much alike. What if we're really not half-brother and -sister?"

"Martin!" said an annoyed Diana.

"Just speculating, that's all!" offered Martin. "I mean, our dad was involved with some pretty wacky stuff! It could be true! I know one way to be sure! We could...bzz bzz bzzt"

As Martin whispers in her ear, Diana turns beet red with embarrassment. Then anger.

"Martin! Arrr!" she yelled.

The upset Diana socks Martin in the jaw, knocking him to the pavement.

"So..." Martin asked, rubbing his tender chin, "...is that a no?"


	3. Cumalover's Cuntundrum

Totally Sex

A _Totally Spies_ sex parody

by Shawn Evans

Totally Spies copyright Marathon Animation

---7:29 PM The Center---

"Ohhh!" moaned Cumalover, awakening to find herself tied to an operating table. "What a dream! ButtMunch was back and ohmyGod! It really is Jim Druse! Eeee!"

"Mein Gott, voman! Control yourself!" demanded the Teutonic terror, Dr. Butten Munchen. "If you faint again, I'll never get to der part vhere I brag about mein plot!"

"I fainted? In front of Jim Druse?" said a frantic Cumalover. "Oh no! I'm so embarrassed!"

"That's okay." said soft-spoken actor Jim Druse. "I get that a lot."

"Really? Well, just so you know, I don't usually do that sort of thing and..." continued Cumalover.

"E-nuff!" commanded ButtMunch. "Iz my turn to talk! Are you not vondering how I, Dr. Butten Munchen, vill take over der vorld?"

"Oh, it's obviously some freaky thing involving people's butts!" answered Cumalover flippantly. "Really, Doc, get a good M.O., like that ToyMaker guy! Keep it to yourself, but we put him on W.O.O.H.P.I.E.'s payroll! Now let me get back to swimming in those oceanic eyes! Sighhh."

"No! You vill listen to me!" said the annoyed Doc BM. "It iz common fallacy that only bad vaste passes through colon and out anus! Iz not true! Nearly all iz gut, but unneeded by body! Very inefficient!"

"You going anywhere with this? I don't want to miss my appointment for updating my body jewelry!" said Cumalover sarcastically. "It's so gauche to wear last year's jewelry!"

"Soon, you vill not have to vorry about your piercings any longer!" chortled ButtMunch. "For you vill be a new voman!"

"Okay, I know I'm going to regret this," said a weary Cumalover, "but why?"

"Ahhh!" said ButtMunch gleefully. "For Dr. Butten Munchen's patented ButtPlug system uses all ze gut bioproducts uf der colon to construct endocrinic web that not only provides mental und physical cuntrol uf der person..."

"So the way to a man's, or woman's, heart is through his or her ass?" snapped Cumalover. "Heck, I think Alicks already knows that!"

"Hmphh!" harrumphed Doc BM.

"Hey, you're the one who paused!" explained Cumalover. "Everyone knows when that happens, the hero (me, of course!) is supposed to make some witty comment!"

"Der pause vas merely for dramatic effect, mein dear!" retorted ButtMunch.

"Oh, then get on with it!" said an annoyed Cumalover. "Do your big reveal! You know you want to!"

"Ahem..." continued ButtMunch "...but it also constructs a replica uf der person, also under mein control, und all then spread der buttplug/mind control 'infection'! They fuck der friend in der ass, and der friend fucks another in der ass, and so on and so on until der whole vorld is under mein control! Also, iz gut filter! Very little actual vaste iz passed! Recycling iz gut, no? As der Vice-President said, all must do our part, ja? And virtually undetectable! Not like der one found by your W.O.O.H.P.I.E. agents!"

"Wait! Hold on! Back up! I mean... a replica of the person? A clone?" asked a stunned Cumalover.

"Iz not clone. Not qvite. But iz very much like person. Iz made of same stuff." corrected ButtMunch. "You haff met some already. Der boys on der bus were replicas uf Mr. Druse here."

"They were replicants of Jim Druse? No wonder they were so dreamy!" said the smitten Cumalover. "But ick! They were made out of shit? Now I'm glad I didn't have sex with any of them!" said Cumalover, gagging.

"Iz not shit. All gut tings only." said the pleased Buttmunch. "But are you not vondering vhat part our Mr. Druse plays in this, hmmm?"

"Don't really want to know that part!" admitted Cumalover. "But it's not like I can stop you! Fire away!"

"For mein buttplug plan to succeed, I needed a delivery system no vun could resist!" gloated the Derriere Doc. "Do you know der secret to Mr. Druse's success as a moving picture actor?" inquired Dr. Munchen.

"You mean besides his dreamy eyes and orgasmic smile? Eeeee!" squealed Cumalover.

"Not qvite, mein dear!" retorted Doc BM. "Mr. Druse possesses pheromones so poverful, they seep into der film used to record him!"

"Really?" said a surprised Cumalover.

"Afraid so." said the beaming Jim Druse.

"In fact, his pheromones are so poverful, even lesbians fall in love vith him!" said Doc ButtMunch.

"You know, I always wondered about that!" replied Cumalover.

"Did you think it vas his acting? Hovever," continued ButtMunch, "vith der advent of digital film, Mr. Druse's career shall be, hov you say, in the crapper! Therefore, vhile he still retains pover, he has decided to aid me in mein scheme to take over der vorld!"

"B-but why?" asked a puzzled Cumalover. "What's in it for you, Jim? You're already a super-mega celebrity!"

"Because psychiatry should be outlawed!" insisted the diminitive dramatist. "And this is my one chance to make that happen!"

"Huh?" said the clueless Cumalover. "I don't get it!"

"Because psychiatry is a pseudo science!" explained Jim.

"Still not getting it!" snapped Cumalover.

"Here's the problem. You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do." pointed out Jim Druse.

"O-kay." said Cumalover, not wanting to believe one of her very favorite movie actors ever is a total wackjob. "So, Doc, why'd you hook up with Mr. Druse here? You got something against psychiatry too?"

"Nein, Miss Cumalover." replied ButtMunch."But vhen vun desires to take over der vorld, one can not be choosy about vun's allies. Nnnnhhh. Vhat are you gonna do?", he said resignedly, throwing up his hands.

"But enuff uff this!" exclaimed ButtMunch. "Time for der show! Mr. Druse, if you vould please?"

So saying, Doc BM hits a switch and Cumalover's operating table rotates until Cumalover is sitting on top the table in a doggie position, still bound, with her ass facing Jim Druse.

"Hey! Wait a minute! You're not going to..!" said a shocked Cumalover.

"Butt uff course, mein dear! Ha! I made der funny!" laughed the twisted ButtMunch. "Vhat did you expect? Soon you vill be part of mein army that takes over der world!"

"But I've never, you know…" offered Cumalover.

"Your glorious rear entrance is virgin, liebchen? Mein Gott! How vonderful this vill be for you then!" said ButtMunch.

"Don't worry, Cumalover", reassured Jim Druse, "it'll be okay. You know what I say: Show me the buns-ey!"

"Okay, Jimmy! For you, I'll do it! Sighhhh" sighed Cumalover, as she seductively sways her curvy rear end towards Jim.

"How vonderful!" exclaimed Buttmunch, as he pats Cum's rump. "Ah, Cumalover! Alicks may have der most amazing ass, but yours is so very pretty, ja, Jim? So round und firm und..."

"Eww!" cried Cumalover. "You're only, like, old enough to be my uncle, Doc!"

"So?" replied Dr. BM. "Mr. Druse iz older than me!"

"Whatever!" bitched Cumalover. "Hey, Doc, this being my first time and all, I should look my best. Can you put my lipstick on me?" asked Cumalover, sweetly, as she bats her eyes at the obviously smitten Dr. ButtMunch.

"Va?" said the slightly stunned Dr. Munchen. "If this iz some trick..?"

"I'm still chained up to your sex table!" smiled the crafty Cumalover. "How's a little lipstick supposed to defeat you? Come on, put it on...wait! Lip gloss first! The clear one!"

"Vait a minute!" said a puzzled ButtMunch. "Der lipstick is for der lips, and der gloss is to protect der lips from der lipstick?"

"You wear shoes AND socks, don't you?" offered Cumalover. "I don't have time to go into it! Now put the lavender lipstick on...does that look like lavender? That's green! Hello! Okay! There you go! Thanks, Doc! You're a peach!"

_Sucker!_ thought Cumalover, as she applies her considerable osculation ability to her bonds, which promptly freeze. Flexing her muscles, the chains shatter easily, freeing Cumalover to deliver a roundhouse kick to Jim Druse behind her which sends him flying into the wall. Flipping end over end, she lands in front of the shocked Dr. Butten Munchen and delivers an uppercut to his jaw, knocking him out.

As Cumalover ties up the world-menacing Doc and Jim Druse, Jim moans.

"Ohhhh."

"Oh, Jimmy!" cried Cumalover, kneeling in front of her movie hero. "I didn't mean to hurt you! But I couldn't let you take over the world, either! You understand, right?"

"Sure, Cumalover!" said the dreamy Jim Druse, flashing his million-dollar smile. "You were right to stop me. I've seen the error of my ways. I won't do it again. Honest. So why don't you let me go?"

"I don't know, Jim!" replied an ambivalent Cumalover. "We're not supposed to do that."

"I can make it worth your while." offered Jim, pumping out his pheromones non-stop. "I've always wanted to do it with a real secret agent ever since I played one in my movie!"

"Really?" said the totally sexed-up sex agent Cumalover, tiny dildos popping out of her eyes. "Oh, why not? It's not like I'll have an opportunity like this again! Okay! But you have to promise me you won't escape or do that evil take over the world thing!"

"Honest Injun!" promised the duplicitious drama actor, as Cum undoes his bonds. "Now let me see that great little ass of yours!"

"Oh, Jimmy!" chirped the giddy as a schoolgirl Cumalover. "You don't still have that buttplug/mind control/replicant/infection thing, do you?"

"No, no, of course not!" answered the false-hearted film star. "I got rid of that! Now...show me the buns-ey!"

"Vas ist das..?" said a confused Doc ButtMunch as he wakes up and surveys the scene in front of him: Cumalover's anal deflowering!

"Oh, Jim!" yelped Cumalover, as she bends over for the man bent on bending her to his will and taking over the world to stop the evils of psychiatry. "This is just like that movie of yours! They're always so sexy!"

"Which one?" asks Jim, as he presses the tip of his cock against her back door.

"It was...oh wow! Is that it?" squealed Cumalover, as Jim Druse pumps away. "Uh, the one you looked really good in!"

"Frisky Business?"

"No."

"Top Bun?"

"Mmmm, no."

"Days of Rumble?"

"No, not that one! It was..."

Meanwhile, Dr. Munchen couldn't believe his eyes! He was defeated, his grand plans in ashes, yet he was now about to succeed because he finally picked the right ally. And also because his opponent was such a fucking slut.

"I got it! Eyes Sewn Shut!" screamed Jim Druse in desperation.

"Huh?" said the clueless Cumalover.

"My sexy movie!"

"Don't remember that one. Sorry."

"With my ex-wife?"

"Uh uh. Doesn't ring a bell!"

"It was directed by one of the greatest directors of all time! God! What's the matter with you?" shouted Jim Druse. "You claim to be a fan, and I pour my heart and soul into making a great film, but you...oh no!"

"What's wrong?" asked Cumalover, noticing her actor-driven anal auto just suffered a flat. "Oh. You know, I was with this guy once when that happened, and..."

"Damnit!" said the frustrated and angry Jim Druse. "Don't you ever shut up?"

"You don't have to be so mean!" replied the hurt Cumalover. "Besides, I was only trying to tell you how I solved this problem once before!"

_Va..?_ thought the devious Doc BM as he witnesses the take over the world plannitus interruptus. _Get on with it, you fool! Don't stop now!_

"It's also the only way you can shut me up!" said a cheery Cumalover as she turns over, reaches for the flaccid film star's stock, and...places it in her mouth.

"Nein! Nein!" bellowed the belligerent butt doctor. "Der acids in der mouth und..."

"Ohmyfuckinggod! That, that's...ohhhh fuck yeah!" moaned the satisfied star as he releases into Cumalover's mouth.

"...und, und der stomach vill destroy der plug...You fool! You've ruined everything!" screamed the angry ButtMunch.

"Huh?" said Cumalover, swallowing the last of Jim's cum. "Jimmy, you, you lied to me about reforming?"

"Cumalover, it's not like that!" said the movie star/would-be world conqueror, smiling weakly, as pheromones oozed from his every pore in a desperate attempt to forestall his fate.

"Nuh uh, Jimmy!" barked the angry and assertive Cum, holding Mr. Druse by his balls. "I only let guys fuck me over once, big-time super-celebrity movie star or not!"

So saying, Cumalover quickly throws Jim Druse to the ground and ensures he doesn't go anywhere anytime soon.

"How does it feel to be defeated by only one of us, ButtMunch?" gloated Cumalover as she stands over the two foiled foes. "How pathetic are you?"

"Ha ha ha ha!" laughed the demented Dr. Butten Munchen. "You are too late, mein dear!"

"What are you talking about?" said the puzzled Cumalover. "You're over and done with, and Alicks and Spurnm will be here as soon as they use the indestructible homing device in my cuntpowder to find me!"

"Hey!" exclaimed Cumalover as she examines her broken cuntpowder. "The homing device is gone!"

"I know your tricks, mein dear Cumalover!" retorted ButtMunch. "Vell, maybe nein all uf them, but your friends are not coming. They are too busy valking into mein trap!"

"You fiend!" shrieked Cumalover. "What did you do?"

"Soon they vill be surrounded by Mr. Druse's replicants!" chortled Dr. BM. "And not even your precious Alicks and her vonderful asshole vill be able to stop me as she did before! In fact, she vill not be able to resist! Ha ha hee heee! They vill be undone! And. I. Vill. Vin!"

"Gasp! No! Alicks! Spurnmy!" wailed the stunned secret sex agent.

_Next:_

_Spurnm and Alicks vs. an army of evil replicants!_

_Whatever will they do?_

_Is this the end of the Totally Sexy Spies?_

Notes

The statements about psychiatry is what Jim Druse really believes.

(This bit was inspired by _South Park_'s Scientology episode, but the quotes are real! He did say those things!)

One of the oddities of today's cartoons is that, while many comedy cartoons parody real people/things/events, when it comes to action cartoons, not so much. I don't know why. Whatever the reason, it should change. So I put celebrity parody in my TS story. Celebrity parody is a staple of classic parodies. I remember even O.J. Simpson was featured in a few parody comics in the 90s.


	4. Alicks & Spurnmy take 'em all on!

Totally Sex

A _Totally Spies_ sex parody

by Shawn Evans

Totally Spies copyright Marathon Animation

---7:44 PM Oceanside nightclub---

"The tracking device says Cumalover's here!" announced Spurnmantha, outside of the club.

"Uh oh!" exclaimed Alicks. "Look who else is here: Secret Service!"

"That's unusual." said Spurnmantha. "But let's try to get in anyway."

"Sorry, ladies. Invitation only." said the bouncer. "Ordinarily, we'd let you in, especially looking like that," commented the bouncer on Alicks & Spurnmantha's hot, undercover spy wear, "but not tonight!"

"Gerry," said Spurnmantha as she talked to her boss on her cuntpowder, "Is the President here? Could he be the target?"

"I'll check, Spurnm!" replied Gerry. "Hmmm. Neither the President...nor the Vice-President...nor even the First or Second Ladies are scheduled to be in the Miami area. It must be another family member."

"But how will we get past them?" pondered Spurnmantha.

"Leave that to me, Spurnmy!" said the confident Alicks, as she bent over and expelled a super odious odor from her nether region.

"Geezus, Alicks!" retorted Spurnmantha, waving her hand in front of her nose. "You're usually such a health nut! How is that even possible, your Ass-tounding Hyper Driver notwithstanding?"

"Three Bean Salad at lunch!" replied Alicks. "Now let's go, while they're distracted!"

So saying, Alicks and Spurnmantha rush past the choking, gagging security team and enter the nightclub.

Spurnmantha and Alicks follow the tracker into the nightclub's dance hall.

"We're right on top of her!" announced Spurnmantha, surveying the room. "But where is she?"

"The signal's coming from over here!" yelped Alicks "In this...guy's pants?" continued the puzzled Alicks, staring at the huge bulge straining against the fabric of the man's slacks.

"Hello, ladies!" said the incredibly good-looking man. "You must be Alicks and Spurnmantha. Your friend Cumalover couldn't be here and asked me to meet you!"

"Wow!" squealed Alicks, hearts shooting out of her eyes. "Cum knows how to pick 'em, that's for sure!"

"And she gave you her homing device?" queried the skeptical Spurnmantha.

"Yes," answered the extremely attractive man, "because she knew we would need to establish trust, and this would prove she trusted me. Follow me, and all your questions will be answered!"

"I'm not so sure about this, Alicks!" whispered the slightly worried Spurnmantha to her friend, as they followed the Adonis-like stranger deep into the bowels of the nightclub. "You know our indestructible homing devices are contained in our cuntpowders, and you know where those are kept!"

"So?" asked the confused Alicks.

"So," answered Spurnmantha, "Cumalover wouldn't let just anyone into that pulchritudinous pussy of hers - believe me, I know! - so how'd this guy get into her pants?"

"Oh, Spurnmy!" said the trusting Alicks "This guy seems okay! Plus, he's mega cute!"

"I know he is." said Spurnmantha. "That's why I'm worried!"

As the small group traveled through the nightclub, they passed many private rooms where people were clearly having fun. Not to mention, sex. And lots of it.

"Here we are!" said the smiling, sexy man, as he escorted Alicks and Spurnmantha into a party room filled with many guys similar in appearance to their host.

"Hi, guys!" said the obviously thrilled Alicks as the mesmerizing men swarmed her.

"Alicks!" screamed Spurnmantha. "It's a trap! Get behind me!"

As the menacing males surround the sexy duo, Spurnmantha reaches into her vagina and pulls out the I.U.D. I.E.D. - Intra-Uterine Device Improvised Explosive Device.

"Fire out of the hole!" yelled Spurnmantha, detonating the device in the midst of the dangerous dudes, throwing them into the walls and each other.

" 'Fire out of the hole', Spurnmy?" asked Alicks, as she and Spurnmantha run for it. "How'd you come up with that on such short notice?"

"Oh, uh, actually I contract out my quip-making to the other W.O.O.H.P.I.E. agents." explained Spurnmantha.

"Really?" said Alicks.

"Yep!" replied Spurnmy. "I kind of felt sorry for them. With us around, there's not much for them to do!"

"Oh yeah." commented Alicks. "I never thought of that!"

"Never mind, Alicks!" exclaimed Spurnmantha. "Just run!"

"Get them!" ordered the man who led Spurnmantha and Alicks into the trap, as his minions rise unsteadily to their feet. "The master said they must not escape!"

As Spurnmy and Alicks race through the dark halls of the cavernous nightclub, keeping one step ahead of their pursuers, they have to take care not to step on the entwined, groping partiers spilling out of the private VIP rooms.

"Wow!" said Alicks. "People sure are getting a lot of action tonight!"

"Yes," agreed Spurnmantha, "almost too much!"

"What do you mean, Spurnm?" asked Alicks.

"Only that we better be very careful!" said Spurnmantha. "There's something strange going on!"

"The only strange thing I saw were all those dreamy guys back there who are now chasing us!" sighed Alicks. "Didn't you think they were the most, Spurnmy?"

"Actually," answered Spurnmantha. "I did. Which is a little weird."

"Huh?" said the confused Alicks.

"Never mind!" replied the terse Spurnmantha. "We're at the dance floor! We can lose those guys and...uh oh"

"Whoops!" exclaimed Alicks as she and Spurnmantha run into bouncers blocking their escape.

Acting as one precision, well-trained unit, both girls vault over the bouncers and head for the door.

But another group of security guards, obviously talking on their radios to the man who had ordered them caught, swarm the area in front of the door.

"Over here!" shouted Spurnm to her spying partner, as they dodge the guards and head to another exit.

However, that exit is blocked, also.

"Uh oh!" cried Spurnmantha. "Alicks, let's...!" said Spurn, as she wheeled around seeking another way out but realizes she and her friend are surrounded.

"Don't worry, Spurnmy!" shouted Alicks. "I know how to clear a room!"

Suddenly, Alicks bends over and lets loose with an earth-shattering blast of flatulence! The shockwave flattens half the security guards and the men who had chased them to the dance floor, opening a way out for our sexy spies.

"Time to go, Alicks!" said Spurnmantha, making a break for it.

"Right behind you, Spurnm!"

But...

"Everyone! Block the door! Do not let them escape!" yelled the man in charge.

Quickly, many of the clubgoers whose minds are in an altered state shuffle toward the nightclub's door, placing a mass of humanity between the spies and freedom.

"Huh? Out of the way! Please!" pleaded Spurnmantha. "We have to...!"

Just as quickly, the entranced crowd turns on them and grabs them.

"No! Stop!" cried Alicks. "We don't want to hurt you!"

"No." said the cheery, handsome man. "No one's getting hurt. We just want to have fun!"

"Oh. Okay." said Alicks, compliantly, as the bouncers grabbed her and Spurnmantha and dragged them in front of the group of smiling, very good-looking guys.

"Alicks!" said the hugely concerned Spurnmantha. "What are you doing? We have to escape and find Cumalover!"

"Wha?" said the dazed Alicks. "I...I got nothing, Spurnmy! I'm all out of gas!"

"No!" despaired Spurnm.

"Don't worry, my dear!" said the happy head man. "Soon," he said, stroking Alicks' captivating backside, "soon you won't worry about anything!"

"Never!" said a defiant Spurnmantha, spotting a mop and pail on the floor nearby.

Raising her high heeled shoe, Spurnmantha drives the heel into her captor's foot, making him squeal in pain and letting her go. Spurnmantha then dives for the mop and throws it at Alicks, before the guards seize her once again.

"Alicks!" Spurnm yells. "Think faaast!" said Spurnm, drawing out the 'a' sound to give her friend a clue.

"Wha-oh!" said the surprised Alicks. Quickly picking up on Spurnm's intentions, Alicks twists her body around her captor's grip so her rear end is ground zero for the incoming mop.

The mop handle enters Alicks' ass with a pop. Then Alicks, her enhanced anal sphincter holding the mop handle in a mighty grip, spins and knocks down the men holding her. She continues in this way, clearing the men behind her. Then, leaning back so she's balancing her athletic body on the mop handle, she kicks her feet at the men and clubgoers in front of her.

It appears she's going to win. Then...

"Ah, darling Alicks!" whispered the honey-sweet voice of the leader of the beautiful men, as they crowd Alicks, their every action dripping with the powerful pheromones of their progenitor. "Wouldn't you rather have something...warm and throbbing up there?"

"I...", said the befuddled Alicks, momentarily overcome with thoughts of joyous anal sex with some of the most attractive men she's ever seen in her life.

The moment is enough. Alicks is caught yet again, her rebellion over.

"I'm sorry, Spurnmy!" apologized Alicks.

"It's not your fault, Alicks!" consoled Spurnmantha. "What are you doing to her?" demanded Spurnm.

"Not just her, sweetcheeks!" announced the man. "We're doing it to everybody here! You can feel it, too, can't you?"

"N-No!" said the struggling Spurnmantha, as she tried to fight the feelings washing over her. Feelings which said - have sex with these men! All of them! Whatever they want! Feelings which were...good.

"Once we turn you and your W.O.O.H.P. friends...and the people here turn their friends..." commented the cool and collected utterly handsome dude, as he bends Alicks over so she can receive ButtMunch's mindcontrol/replicant/infection gift from his lackey, "...we will take over the world!"

"Spurnmy, I...I can't fight it anymore." said the defeated Alicks, her ass ever closer to her doom.

"I know, Alicks." admitted Spurnmantha. "I can't fight it, either." Is this it? thought Spurnmantha, her head bowed in failure. Is this how it ends? Then, one last thought: She could use these feelings...and save her friend!

Springing into action, Spurnmantha's combination of rage and desire elevate her strength and she breaks free! Diving at the man about to anally impale Alicks, she grabs his unit with one hand! But then another swollen dick approaches Alicks' back door! Spurnm quickly snatches that up with her other hand! Her only thought: Sacrifice herself and save her friend! If she has sex with them, they might leave Alicks alone and then she could escape!

But the dreamy dudes won't give Alicks up! A third man attempts to fuck the shitter of Alicks!

As Spurnmantha grapples with/fondles the two huge members, one thought races through Spurnmantha's mind: What do I do?

And the engorged cock edges closer and closer to Alicks' luscious bunghole.

There's only one thing Spurnmantha can do! She lunges in and...

_Ooo! Cliffhanger!_

_Next:_

_What happens to Spurnm?_

_Does she go down for the cunt, er, count?_

_Does Cumalover rescue her & Alicks in the nick(ed) of time?_

_I can tell you this – someone's going down! And it won't be pretty!_

_It's all in the big climax!_

_Plus more fun with...Director Thomas? The President's daugters?_

_And there's plenty more with our sexual spies after that!_


	5. The Climax!

Totally Sex

A _Totally Spies_ sex parody

by Shawn Evans

Totally Spies copyright Marathon Animation

---8:18 PM Outside the Oceanside nightclub---

Cumalover, dressed in her regular sex spy outfit - a red, formfitting all-over bodysuit with conveniently-placed zippers for easy access to all her most intimate areas - fretted over the fate of her friends.

I hope they're okay, thought Cumalover as she pulled up to the nightclub in the bus she commandeered from the Center. She had finally found a phone and called Gerry, who told her Alicks and Spurnm had 'loose ends' to tie up, but she lost time when she mistakenly went back to the mansion. As she parked the bus, it was a veritable mob scene. Police and even Secret Service were all over the place as people were escorted out of the club, some in a rather dazed condition! And there were ambulances! Even a fire truck! What the heck had happened, she wondered.

Her worry grew even greater when she was prevented from entering.

"Hold it, ma'am!" barked the police officer. "No one gets in!"

"B-but I have to get in there!" howled the pained Cumalover. "My friends are in there! I..."

Then, Cumalover spots them at the door.

"Alicks! Spurnmantha!" she cried out in glee. "You're okay!"

"Cumalover!" shouted Alicks. "She's here, Spurnmy!"

The three friends have a joyous reunion, hugging each other and jumping for joy. Cum notices the two spies are also attired in their appropriately-colored green and gold sex action outfits.

"We were so worried when Gerry said you didn't check in! What happened to you?" inquired Spurnmantha.

"Oh, nothing much!" said Cumalover with false modesty. "Only foiled ButtMunch's plot all by myself...and had sex with movie star Jim Druse! Eeeeee!"

"Seriously?" asked the dumbfounded Alicks. "Wow. What's he like?"

"He's a jerk!" replied Cumalover nonchalantly. "But even so...I had sex with a big-time Hollywood superstar actor! EEEEE!"

"You know," commented Spurnmantha, "with us operating in Bev Hills and all, it's a wonder that doesn't happen more often!"

"Whatever! What about you guys? What happened to you at that sex club?" said the curious Cumalover.

"Oh, that was a big bust!" replied Alicks.

"Um, I'd think I'd use a different body part to describe what happened there!" said the witty Spurnmy. "But yeah, that was a total washout! No foul play at all! Unless you count all the buttsex! The real spy agent action was here at the nightclub!"

"Oh, that's right!" shuddered Cumalover. "ButtMunch said you guys were walking into a trap! How'd you escape?"

"It was all Spurnmy here!" praised Alicks. "I was totally tapped out but she made the last minute save!"

"Wow!" gushed Cumalover. "How'd you do that?"

"Oh, it was nothing, Cum." said the bashful Spurnmantha.

"What do you mean, nothing?" said the incredulous Alicks. "These hormone hunks were about to cornhole me for like, the last time EVER, which was bad enough, but they were also going to make me some kind of zombie slave! Spurnmy, though, jumps in, takes all of 'em on at once and literally saves my ass!"

"Really?" said the surprised Cumalover. "Gosh, Spurnm, I didn't know you had it in you!"

"You're not the only one." whispered the sheepish Spurnmantha.

"What was that?" asked Cumalover.

"Nothing!" replied Spurnm.

"It was way more than nothing, Spurnm!" corrected Alicks. "As soon as you took that last guy in your mouth, it was all over! Well, except for all the other guys we had to do, too!"

"You too, Spurnmy?" said Cumalover. "But that's second nature for me! How'd you think of it? Ha! Just doing what comes naturally, I bet! Right?"

"Oh, well, there wasn't anything else I could do!" confessed Spurnmantha. "But, sure, just doing what comes natural! You got it!" said the smiling Spurnmy, eager to agree with her friend.

"But that's just weird, how sucking them off broke the mind control thing!" said the in-the-dark Alicks.

"That's because the our salivic acids broke down the endocrinic web, that is to say, the hormone network set up by ButtMunch's rear end invader!"

"Whoa!" admired Cumalover. "You sure are smart, Spurnmy!"

"Actually, I looked it up on ButtMunch's website after Gerry filled me in." replied Spurnmantha. "You know, we really ought to keep better tabs on these villains. I mean, everyone has a website nowadays!"

"Ummm," pondered Cumalover, "nah! Sounds too much like studying! So what'd Gerry mean by loose ends?"

"Oh, that!" chimed in the cheery Alicks. "Just had to go down on all these guys to free them from ButtMunch's mental control! That's all!"

"Ohhh!" enthused Cumalover. "Sounds like fun! Too bad I missed it!"

"Oh, yeah!" agreed Spurnm, slightly sarcastically. "Loads and loads of fun! But at least we had some help! Bye girls! See you next time we're in Washington!" said Spurnmantha, as she waved to the two college-age girls being escorted out by the Secret Service.

"Bye Spurnmantha! Alicks! It was fun! Later!" said the departing young ladies.

"You mean..." said the flustered Cumalover. "..you had THEM...the, the daughters of the President, helping you to...!"

"Yep!" crowed the proud Alicks.

"Wow!" exclaimed Cumalover. "That almost beats my movie star screw!"

"It's not a competition, Cum!" pointed out Spurnmantha.

"Hello!" retorted Cumalover. "You have met Mandingo, right? Everything's a competition as far as she's concerned!"

"But that doesn't mean..." started Spurnmantha, before being interrupted.

"Excuse me, ladies?" implored the male W.O.O.H.P.I.E. agent, one of the cleanup crew sent by Gerry. "There's, ah, one victim left, but, uh, we're kind of spent! If you could just take care of it for us? That'dbegreatthanks!" And with that, the agent takes off running.

"Huh!" huffed Alicks. "That's weird!"

"Never mind, Alicks." commented Spurnmantha, as the three super sexy spies walk into the nightclub. "Let's just see who it...is!"

Spurnm stops short. It's an older woman. Dazed, confused, and totally under ButtMunch's spell. And not too attractive, either.

"Omigosh!" spat out Cumalover. "Those replicant guys really will do anybody! And here I thought they'd have some taste, being reps of Jim Druse and all!"

Looking around, and seeing no one else willing to do what's necessary, Spurnmantha goes down on the elderly victim, totally surprising her friends.

"Mmm, Spurnm?" Cumalover asked in the least awkward manner for her, but which was still pretty damn awkward. "Whatcha doing?"

"NnnnnHelping her!" said Spurnm, between licks.

"I think what Cum's trying to say - where the heck did you learn to do that?" said the stunned Alicks.

"NnnnnBooksnnn!" answered Spurnmantha, figuring they'd buy it.

"Wow!" said an amazed Cumalover. "You really can learn a lot from reading!"

After Spurnm gets the old woman off, freeing her from the mental/physical domination of ButtMunch, the sexed-up spies get a congratulatory phone call from Gerry on their cuntpowder.

"Wonderful job, girls!" praised Gerry. "Wish I could have been there for that! Paperwork will be the death of me! Sigh!"

"Hey, no problem Ger!" beamed Spurnmantha. "Just doing what comes naturally! Right, Cumalover?"

"You said it, Spurnmy!" said Cumalover, thinking she and Spurnmantha are on the same wavelength.

"And we never could have done it without the training manual you wrote, Ger!" said Spurnmantha, continuing the backslapping.

"Yeah!" agreed Alicks. "The Art of Whore is a great book!"

"I even read it!" chimed Cumalover. "What?" said Cum, seeing the look of disbelief on her friend's faces. "Okay, I looked at the pictures! But that's still like reading!"

Just then, the spies and Gerry's celebration is cut short by...

"Are these them?" asked the rough-hewn, yet bookish, man. "Are these the sex spies and W.O.O.H.P.I.E. agents responsible for this nightclub fiasco and...?"

"N-ooo!" replied Cumalover. "These are the spies responsible for ending it! ButtMunch is the one responsible for starting it!"

"You didn't let me finish, agent!" barked the older, stately man.

"Sor-ry!" said Cumalover, before wisely clamming up.

"And are these the agents responsible for getting the President's daughters involved, Geritol Louis?" demanded the man of W.O.O.H.P.I.E.'s CEO.

"D-Director Thomas!" replied a now very sweaty Gerry, finally seeing the man causing the commotion. "What, I say, what a surprise, sir! Usually one does not see you on operations!"

"I was in the area!" answered the big man. "But you haven't answered my question!"

"Yes, of course!" replied the kiss-ass Ger. "Cumalover. Alicks. Spurnmantha. You are all officially on suspension while an investigation commences to..."

"Suspension?" said the incredulous Director. "You should be giving them an award! They saved the whole country! Good job, ladies! Besides, I've been trying to get those two bitches for years!" said the happy Director, shaking the spies' hands.

"Thank you, sir!" said Spurnmantha.

"No problem, sir!" said Alicks, saluting for no reason.

"Errr, what she said! Sir!" said Cumalover, going along with the silly salute.

"Keep up the good work, ladies!" added the Director. "Gerry, you better watch out! They might take your job one day!"

"Er, yes sir!" agreed Gerry. "Very good, sir!"

"Ewww!" rejected Cumalover. "We really don't want Gerry's job, Director Thomas. But I was thinking: There is one thing I want from this gig, but it's not really according to procedure!"

"Whatever it is, young lady," said the agreeable Director, "I'm sure it'll be fine!"

"Well, okay." continued Cumalover. "You know those replicants of Jim Druse that W.O.O.H.P.I.E. has in lockup?"

"Cum," interjected Spurnmantha, "you're not thinking what I think you're thinking, are you?"

"Why not, Spurnmy?" offered Cumalover. "They've been freed from ButtMunch's control, so they're not really responsible for what they did! Plus, I found out they're only going to last for a few more days before they, uh, turn back into their original forms! Let's face it, they're totally hot guys made for one thing, and they should be able to enjoy life while they can! And did I mention they're totally hot?"

"Cumalover..." said the skeptical Spurnmantha, mulling it over.

"Oh, let's do it, Spurnmy! It'll be fun!" cajoled Alicks. "Besides, it'd be a waste not to!"

"Oh, Alicks!" said Cumalover, as she and Spurnmantha laughed.

"What?" replied the quizzical Alicks. "What'd I say?"

_Next:_

_The Epilogue!_

_Mandingo! Tristan!_

_Ahnold!_

_Hetero action in a gaybar!_

_(Huh? What kind of story is this, anyway? You'll just have to trust me!)_

_Plus: Do Alicks and Cumalover ever learn what a huge lesbo Spurnmantha is?_

_Does Gerry ever get any?_

_Find out!_

_All the loose ends are tied up!_

_And more!_

_The ending's a lot more serious and heartfelt than you'd expect._

_I'm actually telling a real story here. _

_Sure, there are jokes. Plenty of 'em._

_But though their world is altered, I'd like to think I'm still channeling the spirit of the TV show and telling a TS story in a little bit different way._


	6. Epilogue silly & serious!

Totally Sex

A _Totally Spies_ sex parody

by Shawn Evans

Totally Spies copyright Marathon Animation

---11:31 PM A back room of the Nut'N'Honee club in Beverly Hills---

Spurnmantha, Cumalover and Alicks, in their street clothes, are talking about their recent case.

"I can't believe Ger's still got us working!" exclaimed Alicks, as Cumalover's head moves forward.

"You know he had to rush us out here, Alicks!" responded Spurnmantha, as it's Alicks turn to move her head towards their target. "When he found out one person left the club early, before being activated, he had to take immediate action to stop the spread of the Buttmunch virus! Besides, Cumalover kind of brought the house down on our little party before Gerry did!"

"Hey!" shouted Cumalover, as Spurnmantha moves her head forward, then up and down. "It was an accident! I said I was sorry! Is it my fault I always have to look my best?"

"Cumalover," retorted Spurnmantha, as Alicks does the headbob. "You used your red rainbow lipstick on that poor man! You practically burned his dick off!"

"What??" yelped the man they were giving tag-team head to. "Oh my God!"

"Relax, sir!" calmed Spurnmantha, as Cumalover takes her turn sucking the man's dick. "We're professionals!"

"I, I'm not too sure about this." said the man as Spurnmantha goes down on his unit. "I mean, I don't even like…"

"We don't like this any more than you do, sir!" replied Spurnmantha, as Alicks sucks his sausage for all he's worth. "But this is a very serious matter, so bear with us! It should all be over very soon"

"I don't know, Spurnmy" said Alicks, as Cumalover tries her prodiguous oral skills on the man. "He's just not responding. Maybe something's wrong?"

"Well, it is different." answered Spurnmantha, as Alicks works the man over. "Just keep trying!"

"I know how to end this!" announced Cumalover, as Spurnm deep throats the dude.

Cumalover takes out her rainbow lipstick, dials it to green, and applies it to her lips. Then her mouth attacks the manmeat like a jackhammer. So fast does Cumalover move up and down on the man's manhood, friction heats up her cheeks, making them red. In no time at all, the man explodes, filling Cumalover's mouth with the warmest cum ever.

"Wow!" marveled Cumalover, swallowing the load. "Now that's hot!"

"Speaking of hot," said Cum, wiping her mouth, "did you see all those cute guys out front when we came in? It's weird, but I don't remember seeing them before in Bev Hills!"

"Well, that's because…" explained Spurnmantha, as the three walked out of the back room and into the main part of the club, "…it's a gay bar."

"Ohhhh!" realized Cumalover. "So that's why…hey, look who's over there!" said Cumalover, pointing. "It's Tristan and Mandingo!"

Seeing Mandingo leave for the ladies room, Cumalover announces "I don't think Tristan knows! Be right back!"

"But, Cumalover!" cried the exasperated Spurnmantha.

"She'll learn, Spurnmy!" said Alicks. "She'll learn."

"Hi, Tristan!" said the cheery Cumalover.

"Hi, Cumalover!" replied Tristan. "I didn't expect to see you here!"

"Um, I had to meet someone here. Business!" snapped Cumalover. "But what are you doing here? Didn't you know this is a gay bar?"

"Well, yeah!" laughed Tristan. "I am gay, after all!"

"Y,you are?" said the embarrassed Cumalover. "Oh, so that's why you said I wasn't your type!" said Cum, relieved.

"But then why are you with Mandingo?" questioned the puzzled Cumalover. "She's not a guy!"

"She isn't??" replied the shocked homosexual. "B, but that name?"

"I heard her parents named her after some old movie they liked." replied Cumalover.

"But that scratchy voice! The, the very severe facial features!" said the flabbergasted Tristan. "Are you sure Mandingo's a woman and not some dragqueen?"

"I've had gym class with her!" answered Cumalover. "So, yeah, our gender claims her. Unfortunately."

"Oh. Wow." gulped Tristan. "Do I feel silly!"

"Happens to the best of us!" replied Cumalover. "Hey? You know what? We do have something in common!"

"Really?" said the amused Tristan. "And what would that be?"

"Well, you're gay, so you like anal sex, right?" asked Cumalover, innocently. "Not to be stereotypical about it or anything!"

"Uh, okay." replied Tristan, momentarily taken aback by the brazen question. "That is one of the things we stereotypical gays do!" he said, laughing.

"Well, I just had it for the first time!" announced Cumalover. "A lot! I'm practically an expert on the subject!"

"Really?" wondered Tristan. "You'll have to give me some pointers sometime, then!"

"What is this?" interrupted Mandingo.

"Mandingo," said Cumalover, "we were just talking!"

"Trying to steal my boyfriend, you mean!" retorted Mandingo. "He already said he wasn't your type, Cumalover, so what could he possibly be talking about with you?"

"You really want to know, Mandingo?" dared Cumalover, not backing down. "Anal sex! That's what I was talking about! How I've just had lots and lots of buttsex tonight! And guess what? Tristan likes it, too!"

"Wha?? But, but" said the befuddled Mandingo. "I'll show you! I can have an anal gang bang too! Bigger than yours, Cumalover! You'll see, Tristan! There's nothing she can do that I can't do even better!" said the ever-competitive Mandingo as she marched away to find some guys to make her goal a reality.

"Ah, shouldn't we tell her?" offered Tristan.

"Why?" said Cumalover. "It's not like she's going to find any guys here who'd give her a roll in the sack!"

"I suppose so!" said Tristan. "You take care, Cumalover! See you later at school!"

"That was surprising!" said Cumalover to her two friends, as they walked down the street to their regular hangout. "You think you know someone, and then…"

"Uh, yeah!" agreed Spurnmantha. "How about we go out for smoothies?"

"You're not mad at me for spoiling our fun with Jim Druse's replicants?" asked Cumalover.

"Nah!" answered Spurnmy. "Besides, any time we spend together, I consider fun!"

"Aw!" replied Alicks. "That's so sweet, Spurnmy! You're such a good friend! Not like Greg! When I told him my pooper was all pooped out, he said 'too bad' and that he'd have to get someone else for his record release after party! Can you believe it? Guys are such jerks!"

"Yeah." agreed Cumalover, "They're all full of shit! Literally!"

Cumalover, Spurnmantha and Alicks laugh heartily at that quip.

"Ha ha!" giggled Alicks. "I get it now!"

"You know, Alicks...Cumalover...you don't need boys to have fun." pointed out Spurnmantha, rather quietly.

"Huh??" said the extremely puzzled Cumalover.

"What are you talking about, Spurnmy?" asked the need-to-know Alicks. "Is there something you want to tell us?"

"Just saying!" said Spurnmantha, slightly shocked she almost spilled the beans. "It's a fact of life, that's all!"

"No, no, no, Spurnm!" demanded Cumalover. "You've been throwing out vague hints all day! Out with it!"

"Out. That's a good word for it." admitted Spurnmantha. "I...I'm a lesbian. Well, actually, a better term would be bisexual, but..."

"You are?" said the surprised Cumalover. "That's great, Spurnmy!"

"Yeah!" said Alicks. "And it's about time you told us! Good for you!"

"Wait..." said Spurnmantha. "You, you knew?"

"Well, I figured it out!" replied Alicks. "Cumalover, though, would have needed flash cards to get it!"

"Grrr" said the peeved Cumalover, her face getting red with anger.

"But you guys are okay with it? Oh, I'm so relieved! I was worried you might hate me!" said the happy Spurnmantha.

"Spurnm, you've been, like, our best friend since forever! Why would we hate you?" retorted the smiling Cumalover.

"I know!" said Spurnm. "I guess I was being silly!"

The three great friends hug each other.

"Next time," said Alicks, "don't keep such important info from us! Speaking of which...what ways are there to have fun without boys?" inquired the ever-intrigued Alicks. "You have to show us!"

"Yeah, Spurnmy!" jumped in Cumalover. "You have to fill us in!"

The three giggle at the inadvertent joke.

"I, I never dared dream of this day ever happening!" crowed the elated Spurnmantha. "You really want to know? And, and have lesbian sex? With me?"

"Why not?" answered Alicks. "I've always been curious! And I couldn't ask for a better first-time experience than with my best friend!"

"What she said! And I am a very open woman, as I proved tonight! Or, at least, my rear end is!" chimed Cumalover. "But...we won't have to wear a lot of flannel shirts, will we? I still demand to be stylish, no matter my preference for sex!"

"It's alright, Cum!" said the amused Spurnmantha. "Lesbians are allowed to wear more than flannel shirts!"

"Oh goody!" chirped Cumalover. "Then it's a date!"

"You said it, Cum!" agreed Alicks. "Who needs boys! Right, Spurnm?"

"Got that right!" added Cumalover. "Say, isn't that Brock Johnson, star quarterback for Valley High over there? Can you guys excuse me? I'm just gonna introduce myself before Mandingo spots him! I'll take a raincheck on our triple date, okay? See you later!"

"Sigh!" moaned Spurnmantha. "Some things never change! Like Cumalover's need to conquer fresh meat and beat Mandingo!"

"Aw," consoled Alicks, "don't be so down in the dumps, Spurnmy! We can still have lots of fun, just the two of us!"

"You're right, Alicks!" replied Spurnmantha. "Why should I let something like this..."

"Alicks! Hey! How you doin'?" greeted the athletic man. "Me and the other guys on the soccer team didn't want you to miss our party!"

"Steve! Hi!" said the instantly smitten Alicks, a red heart beating over her chest. "I'd love to..oh, wait! My back door's temporarily closed due to overuse, and we were just..."

"No problemo, Alicks! We don't need you for that! The pleasure of your company is all we want!" said Steve.

"Really???" said the stunned, lovestruck young woman. "That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me!"

"Besides," added Steve, "Mandingo said she'd give her butt up to everyone! Have no idea why, but the guys weren't about to refuse an offer like that!"

"Oh." replied Alicks. "It sounds great, Steve! You know, partying with the soccer team without being anally drilled, but I kind of promised my friend..."

"That's alright, Alicks!" conceded Spurnmantha. "You go and have fun! We can get together later!"

"Are you sure, Spurnmy?" replied Alicks. "I don't want to leave you in the lurch!"

"No, no! I'll be fine!" lied Spurnmantha. "It wouldn't be the same without Cumalover, anyway!"

"Thanks, Spurnm! You really are the best!" exclaimed Alicks. "Let's go, Steve!"

"It never changes." pouted the all alone Spurnmantha. "Alicks' need for acceptance...and my need for my 'little girls'!" said Spurnmantha, examining the two vibrators in her purse.

Just then a blast echoes through the streets of Beverly Hills.

"Oh my gosh!" shouted Spurnmantha. "What was that?"

Seeing no one else around, Spurnmy investigates by herself. The site of the explosion is the science lab of Beverly Hills High.

Clearing the debris, Spurnm makes a shocking discovery.

"Ahnold! What happened?" asked the concerned Spurnmantha, upon seeing her fellow student, his clothes all ripped and torn, emerge from the rubble.

Actually, Spurnm makes TWO shocking discoveries - because, with his pants shredded, Spurnm sees that Ahnold has two penises!

"Are you o-my oh my!" sputtered Spurnmantha. "Um, let's get you covered up before anyone else steals you, uh, sees you!", she said, the wheels turning in her head.

"Because I'm a freak, right?" whined Ahnold, as Spurnm helps him out of the ruined lab and then hands him a lab coat.

"What? No!" rejected Spurnmantha. "I would never call you a freak, Ahnold!"

"Even after what you saw?" asked Ahnold, dejectedly.

"Everyone's got their own issues and problems, Ahnold! Believe me!" offered Spurnm. "This is no different. Well, maybe it's a little different. But it does make me wonder..."

"How?" stammered Ahnold. "Because my dad was a steroid freak bodybuilder, that's why! His whole package just shriveled up! He didn't want that to happen to me, so he paid some scientist to alter my genetics while in my mom's womb, and this is what resulted! Thank God for alternative gym, with it's no-shower policy, or the other guys would have seen this a long time ago and made me an even bigger laughingstock!"

"That's not what I was wondering!" interjected Spurnm. "But now that I know all that - what were you doing in the lab, by yourself, after hours?" questioned the tender spy.

"Isn't it obvious?" vented the sad boy. "Trying to find some way to get rid of this thing!"

"Oh, Ahnold!" explained the excited Spurnmantha. "You shouldn't be ashamed of the way you were born! You should celebrate it!"

"Really?" said the confused Ahnold. "But how? I don't get it!"

Spurnmantha whispers in Ahnold's ear and tells him exactly how she intends to celebrate his two (now-prized) possessions.

Grinning from ear-to-ear, the very relieved Ahnold and his smiling date, Spurnmantha, walk past the emergency vehicles and into the night.

Sometime later, Gerry hits the latenight scene, looking for the girls and dressed to party, wearing his S & M leather harness outfit.

"Girls! Alicks? Cumalover? Spurnmantha?" piped up Gerry. "I'm finally done with my paperwork! Yoo-hoo! Where are you? Girls? I think I may have been infected!"

A weary Mandingo wanders the street, spent from satisfying the carnal needs of the entire soccer team.

"Oh my ass!" whined Mandingo. "Oh, all my holes! I can't believe I did that! But it was worth it! I'd fuck anyone, anywhere, to beat Cumalover!" she gloated.

"Why, hello there, my dear!" introduced Gerry. "I'm Gerry, and..."

"Ack!" spat out Mandingo. "I have to be going!"

"Wait! Miss!" shouted the female company-impaired Gerry, chasing after Mandingo. "Using sex to get back at others is in Chapter 6 of my manual, The Art of Whore!!"

The End

_How about that? The bi Spurnm ending up with the guy with the bi penis! Bet you never saw that coming! And all our spies learned something in this story - Cumalover learns some new sexual moves (and that she doesn't have to compete with Mandingo, although she always ignores that lesson!), Alicks learns she doesn't have to give it up to anyone just to be accepted, and Spurnm learns she can be her true self around her friends. It's like an ABC Afterdark Special! And if you don't get that joke, it's because you're not old like me!_

_Next:_

_The story's over, but there's still the Extra Scenes!_

_(Not deleted scenes - these are scenes that would have interrupted the flow of the story._

_But they're not deleted scenes! They're extra goodies, like clips played while the credits roll)_

_More with Jim Druse!_

_More with Director Thomas!_

_Plus that bit with Martin & Diana!_

_And more with the spies, of course!_

_Plenty of good jokes to come!_

Notes

Why use Arnold and not David? I had to use the character who would fit the story. Those two characters only exist to fill plot holes, anyway. The only characters that matter in the series are the five in every episode - Sam, Alex, Clover, Jerry and Mandy (well, Mandy's in almost every episode).

And I had the whole ending planned from the very beginning of the story. Except for the bifurcate cock. That was an add-on. (Drum rimshot!)

The clues for Tristan were back in the 1st chapter. More than 'not my type', he was also 'from the north' (San Francisco).


	7. Extra scenes & jokes

Totally Sex

A _Totally Spies_ sex parody

by Shawn Evans

Totally Spies copyright Marathon Animation

Extra Scenes

(Like clips that play at the end of A TV show)

(This is going to skip around a lot.)

Cumalover, driving the bus from the Center to the nightclub with Jim Druse and ButtMunch tied to the seats, makes conversation.

Jim Druse: Um, Cumalover? Can I ask a question?

Cumalover: Shoot.

Jim Druse: What was that movie you were thinking about? You know, the sexy one?

Cumalover: Oh! It was that vampire movie! Did you know I lost my virginity to that movie?

Jim Druse: You wouldn't believe how many women have told me that!

Cumalover: I've got a question for you, Jim, that I'm, like, obsessing on: How did all your replicants get infected with Doc Buttmunch's butt thing?

Jim Druse: Well, he used some scientific instrument, needles or beakers or whatever.

Cumalover: Oh! I knew it was something like that!

Jim Druse: For most of them, that is! But he ran out, so I had to do it the ol' fashioned way for a couple.

Cumalover: Oh my God! You fucked them in the butt? Then you are gay!

Jim Druse: I am not gay! It's not gay if you fuck yourself!

Cumalover: O-kay! If you say so! (whispers) You are so totally gay!

Later, on the same road trip, Cumalover approaches ButtMunch.

Cumalover: Oh, Doc, I finally figured out your stupid joke! It's Cumalover as in 'gets cum all over her face' , not 'squirts cum' - that's Spurnmantha!

Cumalover then kicks ButtMunch into next week.

At the Oceanside nightclub, Spurnmantha, Alicks and the President's daughters are busy 'curing' the victims of the ButtMunch virus by sucking their cocks. Then Martin begs Diana for help.

Martin: Oh God, Di! You gotta help me! I've been infected!

Diana: Hey! Need some help here! Anyone?

Martin: No! I can feel...myself...changing..!

Diana: Oh no! Martin! Hey, wait a minute! How were you infected? You would have to have been...

Martin: Geezus, Di! I'm a victim of a terrible, horrible virus, and you're...oh, ah, must...get...fuck butts! Start with little woman!

Martin lumbers stiffly towards Diana.

Diana: Eeek! Okay, Martin! Sorry I have to do this, but it's for your own good!

Diana then goes down on her half-brother.

Martin smiles. Diana notices.

Diana: Hey! Are you enjoying this?

Martin screws up his face in a grimace.

Martin: What? OhmiGod, Di! My, my own sister is touching my weenie and you think I like it? It's horrible! Ew!

Diana: Well, I don't like it, either, but I have to do it! You understand, right?

Martin. Yes! I guess so! Just, just get it over with! Please!

As Diana gets to work on Martin's cock, he manages a quick smile.

As W.O.O.H.P.I.E. agents transfer Jim Druse & ButtMunch from the bus to their holding van, Spurnmantha calls out to Jim.

Spurnmantha: Hey, Jim! Cum told me all about your problems with psychiatry! If I were you, though, I'd get over those problems pretty quick - you're going to need them for your insanity defense!

Spurnmantha, Alicks and Cumalover try to get the gay guy off in the back room, but succeed in annoying him instead.

Gay guy: Good God! Don't you three ever shut up?

Spurnmantha: Only one thing shuts Cumalover up! And she's already doing it!

Cumalover (talking through a mouthful of cock): Ihf hearmm thnat!

At the bar, Spurnmantha, Alicks and Cumalover order a drink.

Alicks: What do you have that's non-alcoholic?

Bartender: Mmm, have some protein shakes?

Spurnmantha: No thanks, sir! We've had enough of those already!

Spurnmantha, Alicks and Cumalover discuss Doc BM's plot while walking in Beverly Hills.

Spurnmantha: You know, thinking about it, Doc Buttmunch's plan was almost foolproof! The only thing that could have stopped him were A2Ms (Ass to Mouths), which everyone knows only happens in porno movies!

Cumalover: Yeah! But he forgot about the totally sexy spies!

Alicks: It is just a porno thing? That's not what the scifi club guys told me!

Spurnmantha and Cumalover together: Alicks!

Done with Brock Johnson, Cumalover spies Gavid walking towards an unfamiliar club.

Cumalover: Gavid! Yo, Gavid!

He doesn't hear her, and enters the club. Cumalover follows. Inside, she sees everyone dressed in strange clothes. And they're all men! Finally, she sees someone she knows.

Cumalover: Tristan! Hi! I saw my friend come in here! What is this place?

Tristan: It's a leather bar, Cumalover! Now, who were you looking for?

Suddenly, Gavid, now attired in leather, approaches Tristan from behind and embraces him.

Gavid: Tristan!

Cumalover: Gavid?

Gavid: Cumalover?

Tristan: Gavid? Cumalover? You know each other?

Cumalover: I thought I did! "But Cumalover, I can't choose between you or Sam or Alex!" (imitating Gavid)

Gavid: Well, I was telling the truth!

Cumalover: And what's with all the closet homosexuality? What, is it still the 80s?

At the White House, the President gives medals to Spurnmantha, Alicks and Cumalover in a ceremony honoring them and W.O.O.H.P.I.E.

President: And for your valuable service to our country, please accept these small tokens of our esteem.

Spurnmantha: Thank you, sir! But we couldn't have done it without your two daughters!

Spurnmantha waves to the two young ladies in the audience, who wave back.

President's daughters: That's right, Daddy! We helped!!

The President is speechless.

Sitting in the audience, Director Thomas turns to a W.O.O.H.P.I.E. agent, points to his drink, and asks a question.

Director Thomas: Is this a pubic hair? Who put a pubic hair on my cola?

W.O.O.H.P.I.E. Agent: Sir? That's not a pubic hair. That's a white hair. One of your hairs? From your head?

Director Thomas: Well! How about that! And here I thought it was one of them bitches! Damn!

The Totally Sexy Spies vs. ButtMunch DVD goes on to become W.O.O.H.P.I.E.'s all-time best-seller, although critics pan the 'unrealistic' ending!

Sometime later, Cumalover gets a text message.

Cumalover: Huh? Who's Bob and Carol? Oh, right! They must be the couple I met at the Stylus when Spurnmantha and Alicks had to leave early to work on a science project! And they want to invite me on a luxury cruise? Sweet! Better not tell the others, though, or they'll get jealous! I'll tell 'em it's a family trip! Hmmm. Who the heck are Billy and Java?

At W.O.O.H.P.I.E. Headquarters, Gerry asks the spies a question.

Gerry: When will you girls invite me to one of your sockhops, or whatever you call your little get-togethers?

Cumalover: But Ger! We don't dance the 'hookey pookey', so what would you do there?

Gerry talks about his past.

Gerry: As you girls may know, my mother was a spy, which is why she doesn't want me to be one and why I must hide it from her!

Spurnmantha: What kind of spying did she do?

Gerry: It was during World War II. She spied behind enemy lines. In fact, she met and fell in love with my father there. She even named me after him. 'Gerry' is what we British called the Germans.

Alicks: Really? Who was your father?

Gerry: She would never tell me. She said he died before I was born and wouldn't discuss it further!

Cumalover: So you have no idea who your father is?

Gerry: None!

Said Gerry, goose-stepping across the room, one arm raised in a seig heil salute.

Excerpt from Jim Druse interview with Mat from The Day Show.

Jim Druse: Mat. Mat, Mat, you don't even - you're glib.

Notes

The part about Gerry/Jerry's origins could be true. In the 2005 movie Evil Promotion, Jerry is shown as 60 years old (10 years old in 4th grade, 50 years ago). And his mother doesn't want him to be a spy, so she must have a reason.

Stylus is Groove (it's a turntable reference). The stylus (needle) is placed in the groove of a record (the stylus is the dick to the groove's vagina).


End file.
